I call it angst, which means to me the inability to proceed due to an overburdened mind. Some might call it lack of self-esteem, though I balk from that term because it seems so cliche in our world today. It is true, that when I sit down to write my two tardy essays, I have the overwhelming feeling that I will be unable to succeed. What makes me feel this way? I wonder. Is it the fear of succeeding or the fear of failure?
I know I have written successful papers in the past. I know that I am of above average intelligence. What I know, if I am honest with myself is that I let my former supervisor into my mind, when on a cold December day two years ago, she expressed to me in these very words, "You fail at everything." It wounded my heart because as a former teacher,I know you never focus solely on the negative. There is always something positive to say. But not that day with my boss at Park University. I don't know if I am wounded that this message came to me in the hallowed halls of my Alma Mater, like the institution itself spoke to me that way. Or, is it the shame of these words being spoken at all to me. Shame! And then my mind conceives all that I have failed at and I feel down right non-human.
Is this how oppression starts? Is this how souls no longer choose to succeed? Do they get the message that they cannot succeed and that they are worthless. The students I taught at the alternative school De La Salle have been told all their lives that they are good for nothing. It was at parent/teacher conferences that a grandmother cried tears of joy and she told me, "You are the first teacher to ever say anything nice about my grandson." I remember thinking how much we have failed her grandson that it took until his last couple of years of school to be told he has worth. Is it too much to see the intrinsic worth of people in our world?
It was Winston Churchill who said, "Never, Never, Never give up." and he also said, "If you are going through hell, keep going." I know Winston Spencer Churchill had a noble pedigree but there are things for which he had to overcome. First off he was to my understanding dyslexic and he was also manic-depressive. I also know from the wonderful PBS series narrated by Ian McKellen that he lost everything in the House of Commons early on in his career. He basically went home disenfranchised from his political career. After a brief hiatus he came back even stronger then before. I take much strength from Churchill's example. With the help of a loving family, my life is not too shabby. I cannot give up. I cannot listen to the words of that evil supervisor who sought so desperately to beat me down. Courage. Take courage! I can finish my essays and my degree and take my place among the professions of my creative temperament. I shall succeed!
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| The Disarray of Genius |
